How to Handle those Tricky conversations with Children

It’s something every parent has to face at some point with their children- having one of those tricky conversations. Often it’s a time that is difficult for parents too – times when a relative or friend has died, there is news of a serious illness, a relationship break up,redundancy or an unexpected house move, but the way a parent handles the conversation can have an impact on the way child deals with the event.

Choose the right moment

It’s sometimes impossible to delay telling children for very long but it is important to make sure that they are able to concentrate on what you are saying and have time to ask questions. So its best not to iniate the conversation just as you or they are about to go out. Bedtime could be a good time BUT it depends very much on the nature of the news and on the child – the last thing you want is to upset them before sleep but sometimes bedtime can be a relaxed time to chat. The important thing is simply to consider when the best time will be. However, if there is a chance they might hear it from another source then sooner will be better than later.

Choose the right setting

Home is the obvious choice but there may be times that’s not the best option perhaps if the news is of siblings illness for example and you want to have the conversation away form the sibling. Clearly you don’t want distractions like TV but sometimes children are more relaxed when they are doing something rather than nothing – maybe drawing at a table together or playing with playdough. Continue the activity for a while after the initial discussion and you may well find they play then ask further questions.

Tell the Truth

As parents its natural to want to protect our kids and make things easy for them. I think that is the reasons why sometimes we are tempted to invent explanations that aren’t true. We sort of sugar coat the truth if it seems to harsh. In my experience it’s almost always a mistake. I think it is important always to be truthful with our children when dealing with thse sort of issues. There is a big difference between a tooth fairy at an age when the lines between fantasy and reality are still blurred (a normal childhood developmental phase) and giving complicated ‘alternative’ explanations for the harsh reality of life, or death. Of course the amount of detail that you go into may well vary depending on the age of the child, their particular questions (which I think should always be answered truthfully) and the specifics of the situation.

Use Appropriate Language

It’s important when telling the truth to do it in a language that the child understands. It might mean introducing new words, in which case make sure they understand them – chemotherapy might not mean much to a child but explaining that someone has to be in hospital to have very strong medicine that might help them get better but which will also cause some nasty side effects – may have some meaning.

Tell them how it will affect them

When ‘big’ stuff happens in life it tends to have an impact that ripples outwards – so as well as telling children about the ‘events’ tell them what the impact will be. If grandma is very ill, for example, explain that she won’t be coming to see them for a while, or that when they see her she may be weak and not able to play the way she usually does. If mum or dad has been made redundant explain that the planned holiday might not happen till another year – or whatever the implications of the redundancy may be.

Finally

Remember that as a parent YOU know your children AND also remember that children are very adaptable and resilient.Try to be relaxed because if children sense your tension they will pick up on it but also remember that when it comes to knowing your child YOU are the expert and sometimes you have to trust your own judgement.

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